Speaking Out -concluding part

My father abused my mother in every sense of the word. He abused her physically, financially, emotionally, sexually and verbally (loudly too). I promised myself I wouldn’t take abuse from any man. I also promised myself I’ll grow up to help abused women get help. So when Joe hit me at first I was beyond mortified. He knew my dream of having a shelter home for the abused, he knew I always say that when man as much as raises his hand even if he didn’t land it on his target, the target should leave the man and not look back. But I didn’t leave. I wanted to but I didn’t. It happened at past midnight, I was standing close to the rest room when the first slap landed and I found myself on the bathroom floor sitting next to the bathtub. I spilled lots of water when I was landing, guess I was trying to hold the bucket for support. The spilled water further aggravated him and he started pounding away mercilessly. He’d hit me on my left cheek and the right side of my head will bang against the bath tub. By the time he was done, I was certain my skull had fractured because the headache was terrible, worse than terrible. My younger sister who was with my kids in their room when the hitting was going on took me to the hospital across the street. I had joined her in the kids’ room after the episode, but I was complaining of the ache in my head, she had to do something after about 90minutes of nonstop complain. The doctor said my skull was fine but my blood pressure was above the roof and that’s why I have the ache. She did tell me to be a better wife to avoid such incidents. We were back home by 3am and I tried sleeping but couldn’t. At about 5am, I heard movement in the bedroom and knew he was awake, I went in, sat next to him and asked what happened? Why did he hit me? What made him so angry? I really didn’t know. He didn’t answer me. Then I told him it was over, I’m leaving with my kids. I waited till like 6am called his elder sister, my elder brother, my mother, his best friend and told them that he wanted to kill me. His sister asked me to come over so we’ll talk; it was a last Saturday of the month so there wasn’t movement until 10am. As soon as it was 10am, I went to a close barber shop and shaved my hair, then I went to sisters and she allowed her to calm me down. She summoned him and set him straight too. But what I didn’t know then is that once the flood gates are opened it pours. About five or six months later, I had an argument with his brother who was in the house with us then, while we were at each other he called me to the room and asked me to let it go. But the argument was about an issue I had been letting go of and couldn’t anymore. I opened my mouth to explain how I felt and in what seemed like a millisecond he was off the bed and had given me four resounding slaps. He stopped when I said; “Joe, my kids are here”. It was a Sunday afternoon. This time I didn’t make any phone calls, I realize now as I write that I called all those people that first time around because I wasn’t quite strong enough to leave so I needed someone to talk me into staying. Next day I got my kids ready and dropped them at school, he was satisfied that things are normal so he got ready and left for work (he usually leaves before 6am but he stayed until around 10am). As soon as he left, I got my stuff and my kids’ stuff together picked them from school and we left for Jos city.

It may sound like I left early but I didn’t. When I should have left was about 2 months into the relationship when he started showing me that my opinion doesn’t matter, when he started taking control of my mind, control of me. I wish I knew then what I know now. I didn’t even know that he was “being controlling”, I didn’t know anything about that then.

I also didn’t know I had what is generally referred to as “daddy issues”. This is why I was unable to stay without being in a relationship, young as I was then. I craved to be wanted, to be loved and needed. I was extremely needy too. I needed to be needed. I needed a male in my life. A relationship to fill the void created by my emotionally (physically too) absent father. I was damaged but I didn’t know it. Joe was damaged too. He had abandonment issues and also needed to be needed and loved. He was emotionally dwarfed too.  We were at the same level emotionally; two halves do not make a one in the marriage institution. I must add that it isn’t wrong or unhealthy to want to be loved, it’s natural and completely healthy.

Another important thing we need to learn is how to receive. A lot of us do not know how to receive without wanting to give back or trying to earn it. Recall I mentioned that I let Joe play with my boobs because I thought he earned that much. I felt I needed to earn his love and niceness. So I paid with my boobs at first, but the price kept getting higher. This is also important in our relationship with God. God loves us, simple as that. A lot of us are still trying to earn His love; a love that He has already freely given to us. I read somewhere (can’t remember where) that our relationship with our earthly father determines to some extent our relationship with God. While this cannot be true in 100% of cases, it is true in plenty. If you grew up in a home where you are constantly trying to earn daddy’s approval and love, you tend to translate this into your relationship with God and your boyfriend/fiancé/husband. You grow up in a home where the father is unapproachable and radiates fear; you tend to see God as such too. Our earthly father is a first example we have of what a father is and our perception of him tends to affect our perception of God. Some of us are lucky and have good Christian background and teaching but a lot of us still have a strained relationship with God. Some still find it difficult to accept God’s love, God’s forgiveness when we’ve erred and some are unable to connect with God on a personal level. But knowledge brings about liberation. God loves us deeply and seek to connect with us individually and intimately. This is important because it is impossible for you to go wrong if you relate to and hear from God concerning every issue including your love life.