The Batterer is NOT a Monster

At least he wasn't born a monster- something, someone, a series of happenings made him that way. Once upon a time, a long long time ago, before the series of events that led to his being labelled "batterer" he was an innocent baby, whose smile made a mother's heart race. Abuse is a learned behaviour, this singular fact is the reason we have hope for batterers, that which is learned can be unlearned. This post is aimed at exploring likely reasons why our sweet child became monstrous.





The most common reason you'll find is that most men who batter have been exposed to domestic violence as children. They have had to watch mummy accept and endure violence as daddy abused her, they have been victims of child abuse, they have learned to express powerful emotions in destructive ways, they have been raised to be the 'man', that is, to be in control.

Generally speaking, boys detest their fathers for hitting their mother. At younger ages, they wish the violence will stop when they are not feeling they are probably to blame for the violence. As they get older they fantasize about defending their mothers, and some actually do live out these fantasies. Then they make personal pledges never to hit a woman, never to hit their wives. They promise themselves and sometimes others, that they would never hit a woman, ever.Not all of them live up to these promises. In truth, plenty of them do not.

 Having learned from their fathers the way to treat a woman, they may not know how not to hit the women that come into their lives. It is therefore safe to say that spousal abuse is passed down from generation to generation.

Boys who have learned to express their emotions in destructive ways will become men who express emotions in destructive ways. Daddy gets angry, he lashes out, it could be at mum or at the kids, it doesn't matter. He is the king of the jungle and all must walk on egg shells around him. This is the man raising our sweet little child, this is the toxic environment our boy is growing up in. It is therefore very important that parents learn to express their emotions in healthy ways. Lashing out on a child out of anger isn't punishment, it is abuse. You are teaching him to also lash out when things do not go his way.

Our sweet boy is all grown up now but sweet isn't the first adjective that comes to mind when you ask his wife to tell about him, though it may be the first that comes to her lips as she fakes a smile. This is not what this man wants for his wife, he doesn't want his family to be like the one he was raised in. But he doesn't know a better way to express his emotions. He is not a monster, he just needs help unlearning the violent behaviour.