A Lazy Tuesday Morning.

I've been up for hours. I've been lazying in bed, I've played candy crush saga until I've ran out of lives. Twice. I've read chats on whatsapp, I've responded to chats on whatsapp. I've even reread old chats and I've made new resolutions.

I've rolled and rolled on the bed. I've had a cup of sugar filled yellow label tea. I've even been to the toilet for the big one. I've counted the ceiling, vertically and horizontally. I've thought of several things, the range of which is impossible to belief.

The most reoccuring nag in my mind all morning has been, "do something girl, write something, read a book, don't just lie here. It's almost noon and all you've done is wait for the phone to beep and wait for lives to fill on a game. Wake up Ttonia, wake up!"

Then I picked up a book to read, I've read several pages of this book before now, but I decided to start over. Two pages and the back cover into the book and I'm tired of reading, not the books fault please,this book is a fun read. This isn't just what I'll rather be doing. So I went back to tossing and turning, candy crush and whatsapp. And on cue, the nagging thoughts returned.

Again I decided to give in and do something. "But what do I do? I could finish that proposal," I thought, "or perhaps start writing the one I've completed only in my head." But no, I'm too lazy to do any mental work. How about I complete the online registration for that training, the deadline is in about a week. No, still mentally tasking.

I know what to do, I'm going to write, I'll just pick up my favourite pen and the yellow writing pad and start writing. I'll write anything that comes to my head even if it's these silly random indecisive thoughts.

So I've picked up the yellow pad and the current favourite pen and I've written these words. I'll type and share so you'll get to read my thoughts on a lazy Tuesday morning. Or should I say you've just read my thought?

Losing.

His eyes met hers and a new friendship began. They'll talk for hours unend about silly things and not so silly things. Her waking moments were filled with thoughts of him.

He sends her short texts, flowers and chocolates. The kisses, long walks and whispers of sweet nothings were the highlights of her day and the warm memories that accompanies her to sleep at night.
Then the flowers stopped coming, so did the chocolates. The texts became shorter and farther apart.

The whispers of sweet nothings became a distant memory so that all she now has are memories that seem so long ago, they could have happened in another lifetime.
Memories she is fighting to hold on to and losing.

Battering is successful

Domestic violence against women is the most common cause of injury to women and it is happening in our society today, even as you read this. 80-90% of children living in violent homes are aware of the violence hence its attendant effect on their lives. Girls from domestic homes are 50% more likely to abuse their children than those who are not and they tend to marry men who abuse them. Women who are abused are also more likely to abuse their children. Women are dying, children are becoming emotionally twisted, hey even the batterers are crying out for help. So why is domestic violence against women still prevailing?

Wife beating is sanctioned by many traditional laws and religions; this makes it okay for men to go commando on their wives at the slightest provocation. The provocation isn’t always necessarily a result of happenings at home; it could be something that may have happened at work or while drinking with friends. I am not saying here that it is okay if it is as a result of something that happened at home. There is absolutely no reason on earth why a man should beat his wife no matter what she may have said or done. Sure, women can be a handful and an annoying specie of the human race, it is in our DNA. Yet, getting angry is a legit emotion which should be expressed but not by hitting another adult who happens to be your wife. Let's face it, she isn't the only person that annoys you still you do not go about hitting anyone who does.

System failure contributes to the success of violence against women, no one effectively intervenes, not friends, not the neighbours, not the police, not the church, not the courts, not the media, no one. You hear your neighbours’ wife screaming from the slaps and kicks; you turn up your radio to drown the noise. It is their privacy, you won’t intervene. Do you really believe that it does not affect you? Or that minding your business makes you the stand up guy and earns you the perfect neighbour award? This batterer neighbour of yours is grooming a future batterer who might end up getting married to your grand niece. Fat chance? Not really!

I think that intervening does not only help the victim but the batterer too. I mean, somewhere deep inside, he wishes he kept his promise to himself. A promise he made to never hit any woman in his life, especially not his wife. A promise he made to himself severally while watching his mother take abuse from his father. A promise he renews each time he gets remorseful for hitting his wife. He wishes someone would intervene. Somehow, I see him as a victim too; a victim of societal breakdown and poor role modeling.

The success rate of wife beating can be curbed if batterers stop getting away with it. We really can’t afford to let this keep prevailing, call the police, knock down that door and make a citizen’s arrest if you have to but don’t do NOTHING. The violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act, 2015 shouldn’t be another policy for the shelves. It is aimed at prohibiting all forms of violence against persons both in private and public; I earnestly hope it doesn’t fall short of its aim.

Let us all join hands in this fight to end wife battery, it is not a fight to be fought by a particular gender, or by survivors of violence, it is a fight to be fought by everyone, men and women. Every child deserve to grow in a violent free home.

Rape: Focus on ‘The Ndifon’ of Unical

A lot of questions have been on the minds of most people that have followed the recent rape story fingering Dean Cyril Ndifon of the faculty of law, University of calabar, Nigeria. The first thing we tend to hear about the man is his notoriety, how he sexually assaults and rapes female students, (well, no male has spoken out but one can’t be too sure these days). Hence we ask; why have these victims not spoken out all along? Why has he been getting away with it? Some say he threatens his victims; that is not hard to believe, is it? I mean what rapist or violent offender encourages his victim to go spread the news? The most important question I’ll like to ask is, “will he get away with it this time?” Apparently he belongs to a cult and his hound dogs will hunt victim down if she squeals. If you ask me, he doesn’t even need to attempt to scare them that badly; rape victims rarely speak out anyway.

WHY ?!

“The feeling of shame is so intense for rape victims that many never tell anyone what happened to them, I found it difficult not to feel ashamed when others reacted to me with embarrassment or discomfort. And this feeling of shame silenced me.” Nancy Venable Raine, After Silence: Rape and My Journey Back.

The reasons rape victims do not tell about their ordeals are universal, same across ethnic groups, religions, countries and continents. These reasons include, shame, stigma, fear of being disbelieved, fear of being hounded (Ndifon style), and a desire to get past the pain.  Victims are also concerned about their family and friends, they are anxious about what the people in their lives will think. They also worry about “ruining” the reputation of the perpetrator when it is someone known to them (better believe it). Then there is the justice system to worry about, would they get justice at the end? If not, why bother?

Back to ‘the Ndifon’, someone finally squealed. Bless her mother for not hushing it. Bless the age we live in, stories spread like wild fire so the whole world now has access to the story of the serial rapist, (forgive me for not prefacing “serial rapist” with ‘accused’).

Oh right, he didn’t do it, the 20 years old 400 level law students made it all up! She had it all planned. All she wants is to ruin the perfect image of a very good man, the very first law Professor from his state of origin. She somehow managed to get him to tear her test papers, so that she can get him to invite her into his private office, just so she can set him up. How dare she stay quiet when someone came to interrupt him? Why did she not use the brain God gave her to scream? The hound dogs want to know. They have no idea what could happen to a person’s God given brain in times like that. Maybe, just maybe they do. Sometimes, the people that attack one the most are those that have actually been there; those that resent themselves so much for not screaming when screaming was the commonsensical thing to do. They will NOT pass up an opportunity to attack someone who has acted the exact same way they hate themselves for acting.

‘The Ndifon’ has ruined a lot of lives. He has hurt one woman too many. It is time to put him out of business. This last victim was brave enough to speak out and by so doing she has encouraged some other victims to speak out too. She has encouraged parents who hushed up the stories their daughters told them to speak out. This last victim should be exactly that, his “last victim”.

Getting justice for any one rape case has a ripple effect on the rate of reporting. For one thing, it will encourage victims to speak out and perpetrators will be put out of business. Let’s make our world safe for our women, for our daughters. 

The Batterer is NOT a Monster

At least he wasn't born a monster- something, someone, a series of happenings made him that way. Once upon a time, a long long time ago, before the series of events that led to his being labelled "batterer" he was an innocent baby, whose smile made a mother's heart race. Abuse is a learned behaviour, this singular fact is the reason we have hope for batterers, that which is learned can be unlearned. This post is aimed at exploring likely reasons why our sweet child became monstrous.





The most common reason you'll find is that most men who batter have been exposed to domestic violence as children. They have had to watch mummy accept and endure violence as daddy abused her, they have been victims of child abuse, they have learned to express powerful emotions in destructive ways, they have been raised to be the 'man', that is, to be in control.

Generally speaking, boys detest their fathers for hitting their mother. At younger ages, they wish the violence will stop when they are not feeling they are probably to blame for the violence. As they get older they fantasize about defending their mothers, and some actually do live out these fantasies. Then they make personal pledges never to hit a woman, never to hit their wives. They promise themselves and sometimes others, that they would never hit a woman, ever.Not all of them live up to these promises. In truth, plenty of them do not.

 Having learned from their fathers the way to treat a woman, they may not know how not to hit the women that come into their lives. It is therefore safe to say that spousal abuse is passed down from generation to generation.

Boys who have learned to express their emotions in destructive ways will become men who express emotions in destructive ways. Daddy gets angry, he lashes out, it could be at mum or at the kids, it doesn't matter. He is the king of the jungle and all must walk on egg shells around him. This is the man raising our sweet little child, this is the toxic environment our boy is growing up in. It is therefore very important that parents learn to express their emotions in healthy ways. Lashing out on a child out of anger isn't punishment, it is abuse. You are teaching him to also lash out when things do not go his way.

Our sweet boy is all grown up now but sweet isn't the first adjective that comes to mind when you ask his wife to tell about him, though it may be the first that comes to her lips as she fakes a smile. This is not what this man wants for his wife, he doesn't want his family to be like the one he was raised in. But he doesn't know a better way to express his emotions. He is not a monster, he just needs help unlearning the violent behaviour.

Speaking Out -concluding part

My father abused my mother in every sense of the word. He abused her physically, financially, emotionally, sexually and verbally (loudly too). I promised myself I wouldn’t take abuse from any man. I also promised myself I’ll grow up to help abused women get help. So when Joe hit me at first I was beyond mortified. He knew my dream of having a shelter home for the abused, he knew I always say that when man as much as raises his hand even if he didn’t land it on his target, the target should leave the man and not look back. But I didn’t leave. I wanted to but I didn’t. It happened at past midnight, I was standing close to the rest room when the first slap landed and I found myself on the bathroom floor sitting next to the bathtub. I spilled lots of water when I was landing, guess I was trying to hold the bucket for support. The spilled water further aggravated him and he started pounding away mercilessly. He’d hit me on my left cheek and the right side of my head will bang against the bath tub. By the time he was done, I was certain my skull had fractured because the headache was terrible, worse than terrible. My younger sister who was with my kids in their room when the hitting was going on took me to the hospital across the street. I had joined her in the kids’ room after the episode, but I was complaining of the ache in my head, she had to do something after about 90minutes of nonstop complain. The doctor said my skull was fine but my blood pressure was above the roof and that’s why I have the ache. She did tell me to be a better wife to avoid such incidents. We were back home by 3am and I tried sleeping but couldn’t. At about 5am, I heard movement in the bedroom and knew he was awake, I went in, sat next to him and asked what happened? Why did he hit me? What made him so angry? I really didn’t know. He didn’t answer me. Then I told him it was over, I’m leaving with my kids. I waited till like 6am called his elder sister, my elder brother, my mother, his best friend and told them that he wanted to kill me. His sister asked me to come over so we’ll talk; it was a last Saturday of the month so there wasn’t movement until 10am. As soon as it was 10am, I went to a close barber shop and shaved my hair, then I went to sisters and she allowed her to calm me down. She summoned him and set him straight too. But what I didn’t know then is that once the flood gates are opened it pours. About five or six months later, I had an argument with his brother who was in the house with us then, while we were at each other he called me to the room and asked me to let it go. But the argument was about an issue I had been letting go of and couldn’t anymore. I opened my mouth to explain how I felt and in what seemed like a millisecond he was off the bed and had given me four resounding slaps. He stopped when I said; “Joe, my kids are here”. It was a Sunday afternoon. This time I didn’t make any phone calls, I realize now as I write that I called all those people that first time around because I wasn’t quite strong enough to leave so I needed someone to talk me into staying. Next day I got my kids ready and dropped them at school, he was satisfied that things are normal so he got ready and left for work (he usually leaves before 6am but he stayed until around 10am). As soon as he left, I got my stuff and my kids’ stuff together picked them from school and we left for Jos city.

It may sound like I left early but I didn’t. When I should have left was about 2 months into the relationship when he started showing me that my opinion doesn’t matter, when he started taking control of my mind, control of me. I wish I knew then what I know now. I didn’t even know that he was “being controlling”, I didn’t know anything about that then.

I also didn’t know I had what is generally referred to as “daddy issues”. This is why I was unable to stay without being in a relationship, young as I was then. I craved to be wanted, to be loved and needed. I was extremely needy too. I needed to be needed. I needed a male in my life. A relationship to fill the void created by my emotionally (physically too) absent father. I was damaged but I didn’t know it. Joe was damaged too. He had abandonment issues and also needed to be needed and loved. He was emotionally dwarfed too.  We were at the same level emotionally; two halves do not make a one in the marriage institution. I must add that it isn’t wrong or unhealthy to want to be loved, it’s natural and completely healthy.

Another important thing we need to learn is how to receive. A lot of us do not know how to receive without wanting to give back or trying to earn it. Recall I mentioned that I let Joe play with my boobs because I thought he earned that much. I felt I needed to earn his love and niceness. So I paid with my boobs at first, but the price kept getting higher. This is also important in our relationship with God. God loves us, simple as that. A lot of us are still trying to earn His love; a love that He has already freely given to us. I read somewhere (can’t remember where) that our relationship with our earthly father determines to some extent our relationship with God. While this cannot be true in 100% of cases, it is true in plenty. If you grew up in a home where you are constantly trying to earn daddy’s approval and love, you tend to translate this into your relationship with God and your boyfriend/fiancé/husband. You grow up in a home where the father is unapproachable and radiates fear; you tend to see God as such too. Our earthly father is a first example we have of what a father is and our perception of him tends to affect our perception of God. Some of us are lucky and have good Christian background and teaching but a lot of us still have a strained relationship with God. Some still find it difficult to accept God’s love, God’s forgiveness when we’ve erred and some are unable to connect with God on a personal level. But knowledge brings about liberation. God loves us deeply and seek to connect with us individually and intimately. This is important because it is impossible for you to go wrong if you relate to and hear from God concerning every issue including your love life.